Project 11 months

Eli kirjotan yhden postauksen englanniksi, ihan vain koska haluan :) En ole täydellinen, ja virheitä löytyy varmasti. ^^

So yeah, I'm gonna write in english this time. As you see, the header is called "Project 11 months". I'm gonna tell you about this thing which I have been thinking about past few months.
    Basically, the idea is that I have eleven months time to make a change on my life; stop self-harming, make my self-esteem higher and make some new friends and let the past go, for example. The most important thing is to stop being this fucking distressed whore who whines 'bout everything. Because of what I am right now, I have put my friendships second, acquired scars on my legs and arms, lied about almost everything and, what's the worst, ruined my family terms. I can't be relaxed with 'em or anything and that's very stressful. That's why I have to change.
   What if I fail then? Why is that date (1.4.2015 - also my birthday) the last line? There's very simple reason
. No one, I repeat, NO ONE can't stand a person like me. I have been told so many times that I gotta quit this shit. And I know they're telling me the truth. And I have tried, believe me! I have tried to fucking quit everything and become this smiling and caring person that everyone loved who I used to be. But then, every time again I collapse and do everything I have sworn not to do again. Luckily I've started to lie and fake everything for my friends so they don't have to get disappointed in me over and over again.
   But yes, back to the topic. If I fail, I will.. no, I must try to commit suicide. I have been planning it since I was 12(?), plans more and less strong. First really decided date was last years November, and why I didn't do it earlier was 'cause I wanted to see BVB so badly. But some shit happened and this one asshole came to my world and changed my way of seeing things so here I still am, writing this meaningless posting. Unfortunately it turned out that nothing he told was true so I started to see things differently again.
   Why my b-day then? Not only because it would be dramatic - teen killed herself on her birthday omgomg - but because I will be 18. I am freaking 18. I can buy alcohol and stuff legally and that belongs to be one part of my plan. There's just one big problem.. I should be alone in the house. Or need my own apartment.

Anyway, this kind of bullshit this time. :)

(Ps; menikö enkku pahasti ohi? Tästä saat suomenkielisen version)